WASHINGTON — In what aides are calling “a full display of executive resolve,” the President this morning declared a national emergency after the television remote in the private residence went missing for the third time this month.
“We looked everywhere,” said one exhausted staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the crisis, or their own crumbling will to live. “Under the couch. Behind the couch. We even checked the couch cushions of an entirely different couch, in a different room, on a hunch.”
By 9 a.m., six National Guard units had been placed on standby “out of an abundance of caution,” according to a memo later described by three separate officials as “not real” and “please stop asking about the memo.”
The remote was ultimately located at 11:47 a.m., inside a coat pocket, by a White House housekeeper who, sources say, was not thanked.
At press time, the President had declared the search “a total and complete victory” and was reportedly already misplacing a second remote.