WIRE ROOM

▸ President declares national emergency over missing TV remote, deploys National Guard ▸ President unveils bold new economic plan, later revealed to be napkin ▸ President spends 45 minutes of press conference describing a dream he had about a staircase ▸ President announces he has “never felt better,” immediately requires assistance standing up ▸ President’s $16 million reflecting pool fix somehow still doesn’t reflect well on anyone ▸ President declares national emergency over missing TV remote, deploys National Guard ▸ President unveils bold new economic plan, later revealed to be napkin ▸ President spends 45 minutes of press conference describing a dream he had about a staircase ▸ President announces he has “never felt better,” immediately requires assistance standing up ▸ President’s $16 million reflecting pool fix somehow still doesn’t reflect well on anyone